eValkyries

The views and opinions expressed in “Ode to the Viewers” does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the Valkyries. Some writing contained in this ode might include strong images and language may not be suitable for all audiences. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

Ode to the Viewers

On Sunday nights you will often see,
Kenni has assembled the Valkyries for thee.
With eleven girls that I don’t have to mention.
They kick some ass at Reach as losers tell them to get back in the kitchen.

At eight o’clock sharp the stream comes alive,
As we giggle in game and try to survive.
Around nine the trolls emerge from their Dorito-dusted computers,
No fear! They are quickly fought off by the Valks vigilant viewers!

I believe it is only fitting that I start with our knight in shining armor,
Kasper is his name, and man is he a charmer!
The Venus Flytrap is what he does worship,
We all feel much safer it’s under his guardship.

Jenni is the first to squeal with glee,
When Raptzor emerges out from his own stream.
If you’ve seen his vids, you’d know his sniper ability is quite good,
Carry the noobiest bad kid, we know that he could.

Jakpott shows no fear as he hits on Bri,
I’ll never forget when his pick up line asked if she was a genie.
All he wants is the wish for some time alone,
Bri just ignores him as he sits on his own.

CamWuu comes in and insists he isn’t drunk, bro
We know that’s not true because his last game of Apples to Apples wasn’t a slam dunk. bro
The boys on the stream find him high in demand, bro
But we all know it’s Ted that’s his leading man, bro.

Every Valk is safe when Hard2rock steps into the scene,
Except Molly, Kenni, Samm, and Melissa…if you know what I mean.
Masturbation, rape, and sex swings are what he promises will be worthwhile,
Some call it harassment, he calls it style.

Theripshot likes to fap to the stream,
The first Valk podcast fulfilled his wildest dream.
For the next one he will be in his room watching with locked door,
Then the next day he will post in the forum that he wants more.

OMG, Sean is ALWAYS in the Valk stream,
To get with the girls is what it would seem.
He is always flirting, trying to get with any Valkyrie,
Sadly, only Pinkelite wants to share in his Whoopee.

TsengMao is a member of Master Theory,
Their talk about “Padding” is really quite erie.
“The Professor!” is what he hears from them,
Too bad he is a fag, as Molly has told him.

Sandman is a tricky one to call out,
But you can always find him hanging about
He claims he raises sexy bovine with his mind in the gutter
But I tell you the truth, he tugs on udders.

Formal is a MLG Pro,
That is really all I know.
He lurks in the stream, it’s kind of like hiding,
He only talks to Kenni, I think he’s V-riding.

Audley is a pro coach haven’t you heard?
They say he’s a big deal, and even a bigger nerd.
He writes really well, or so I’ve been told,
Some think he’s a jerk, and his heart is cold.

Perverted Hermit thinks he can 1v1 me.
He would have better luck going against his mommy.
He tells me he doesn’t like to brag, but he is legit at Halo Reach,
I really don’t think he completely thought out that speech.

Ollee can always be found somewhere in the chat,
Since he’s Canadian he’s a pretty cool cat.
He always promises to make us sushi someday,
but since he’s a cook in Vegas, there’s a good chance he’s gay.

I sincerely hope you enjoyed every pun,
And recognise it is all in good fun.
This is the end of my ode to thee,
For I am tired and I grow weary.

If, my faithful viewer, you did not make the “Ode to Thee”,
Please keep in mind this is only the first of many.
That goes for you who think you have passed under my radar,
In the next faithful ode I plan to raise the bar.
If you are sad you made the cut,
Remember the depressed ones who didn’t you slut.

I will be back to raise havoc, but on who?
And in a month or so there will be another ode waiting for you.
Until then dear viewer you really must wait,
Just continue to lurk the stream and masturbate.